NBA Playoff Haterade: Ranked by Who I Want to Win the Finals the Least

Tier 1: Those Guys

Philadelphia 76ers

  • Ranking: 1

Team quitter James Harden and his rip-through foul-hunting bullshit. He never shows up in the playoffs anyway but heaven forbid Joel drags his sorry ass along for a ring.

Phoenix Suns

  • Ranking: 2
    • Chris Paul and all his cheap shot garbage
    • Devin Booker
    • KD drama (just kidding, we forever love KD)

Boston Celtics

  • Ranking: 3

It’s the fucking Celtics. If they won they would regain “most NBA titles” and they would never stop talking about it. OTOH if they won maybe they would stop complaining about how the Minneapolis Laker titles shouldn’t count

Tier 2: I Think I Still Hate them

Memphis Grizzlies

  • Ranking: 4
    • I was ready to love the Grizz this year, but then all of that Jah gangster nonsense went down. I even bought tickets to see him live and then he got suspended right before that game so instead I’m watching Tyus Jones run around? Ugh.
    • I know Luke Kennard is shooting the lights out there, but all I can see is the person the Pistons drafted one before Donovan Mitchell and Bam Adebayo.
    • Dillon Brooks, like Dray, Sheed, Rodman, and Laimbeer, is only someone you love if he’s on your team. Which he’s not.

Los Angeles Clippers

  • Ranking: 5
    • What, he moves across the street and suddenly turns into Hustle Westbrook?
    • Fair or not, I’ll never forgive Kawhi for stealing that 2019 title from the Warriors

Tier 3: I Would Spend More Time Thinking About It But There’s No Chance

Atlanta Hawks

  • Ranking: 6

The Tre Young burns down the Hawks countdown is well underway. Don’t ever forget they traded Luka away to get him.

Miami Heat

  • Ranking: 7

Are they stil alive? They fall under “formidable, but neigh unwatchable” Who is even likeable on this team? Jimmy Butler can be amazing but seems 100% a PITA

Minnesota Timberwolves

  • Ranking: 8
    • Rudy Gobert spin cycle
    • Slo Mo
    • All those commercials where KAT loses at basketball to some rando is 100% on brand.

Tier 4: No Strong Feelings

New York Knicks

  • Ranking: 9

Jalen Bruson’s a great story: the guard they didn’t want and everyone thought they overpaid, but who turns out is a perfect hard-working gritty fit for this team. On the other hand, it’s amusing that despite the relentless media coverage they’ve been irrelevant for decades and haven’t won a title since NINETEEN SEVENTY THREE.

Cleveland Cavaliers

  • Ranking: 10

Donovan Mitchell is amazing, can it translate to some titles? I’m not exactly a Mobley-hater, but still definitely a Cade-believer.

Brooklyn Nets

  • Ranking: 11

I don’t even want them to win as much as I think it would be hilarous if a team that KD, Kyrie, and Harden bailed on won the title. But then Ben Simmons would have a ring, which would be wrong and somehow hilarious?


Sacramento Kings

  • Ranking: 12

After so many years of ineptitude, we are supposed to believe in this? Are we supposed to forget MARVIN BAGLEY with the #2 draft pick over Luka???

Denver Nuggets

  • Ranking: 13

Fun to watch, and yet somehow you never watch them and are really afraid of them?

Tier 6: As Mike Breen Says, “BANG! BANG!”

Milwaukee Bucks

  • Ranking: 14

Who doesn’t love Giannis? I wouldn’t mind him getting another ring. Who doesn’t love this entire team? (Ok, except for that cheap-ass dirty punk Grayson Allen.) Plus, they have maybe the best-designed logo in the NBA.

Los Angeles Lakers

  • Ranking: 15

Yeah sure, LeBron is the best ever. And AD is amazeballs when he’s healthy. But Austin Reaves is legit? How do they keep finding these weirdly talented white guys (see Caruso, Alex)? Vanderbilt is a spark plug; he was great for Minnesota last year in the first round. I guess as my de facto #3 team they have to be up here, right?


Golden State Warriors

  • Ranking: 16

Well duh.