NBA Playoff Haterade II: Ranked by Who I Want to Win the Finals the Least (Week 2)

Eliminated: See You Next Year

Brooklyn Nets

  • Last Ranking: 11

Tier 1: Those Guys

Philadelphia 76ers

  • Ranking: 1
  • Last Ranking: 1

Team quitter Groin striker James Harden and his rip-through foul-hunting bullshit. He never shows up in the playoffs anyway but heaven forbid groin kicker Joel drags his sorry ass along for a ring.

Phoenix Suns

  • Ranking: 2
  • Last Ranking: 2

I can put more bad things about the Suns, but shouldn’t they be at least slightly worried that they are barely beating a Clips team without Kawhi and PG13?

Boston Celtics

  • Ranking: 3
  • Last Ranking: 3

Add Blake Griffin’s mustache to the list of offenses.

Tier 2: I Think I Still Hate them

Memphis Grizzlies

  • Ranking: 4
  • Last Ranking: 4

Current NBA regulations: “If the junk is decked, you must eject.”

Atlanta Hawks

  • Ranking: 5
  • Last Ranking: 6

I know the Hawks thought they were drafting Steph 2.0, but the difference is everyone on the Dubs loves Curry. Everyone on the Hawks looks miserable.

Tier 3: I Would Spend More Time Thinking About It But There’s No Chance

Minnesota Timberwolves

  • Ranking: 6
  • Last Ranking: 8

The only reason to have them go longer is to see how many rounds before someone else tries to punch Rudy Gobert.

New York Knicks

  • Ranking: 7
  • Last Ranking: 9

RJ Barrett trying to avoid the long history of wasted Knicks draft picks.


Miami Heat

  • Ranking: 8
  • Last Ranking: 7

After I learned that Jimmy Butler was a huge coffee fan and actually has his own premium coffee business, I guess I have to bump them up?

Tier 4: No Strong Feelings

Sacramento Kings

  • Ranking: 9
  • Last Ranking: 12

I have to pull them down a couple of spots here for every time they pulled on Draymond’s leg.

Los Angeles Clippers

  • Ranking: 10
  • Last Ranking: 5

It bears repeating: WHERE WAS HUSTLE WESTBROOK THESE LAST TWO YEARS? I would move them at least three spots up if Ballmer would pay for a decent rebranding with a good logo. That or make Clippy the actual mascot.

Tier 5: LIGHT THE BEAM (if we have to)

Cleveland Cavaliers

  • Ranking: 11
  • Last Ranking: 10

Evan Mobley is supposed to be amazing, has anyone seen him? Put his face on a milk carton, maybe?

Denver Nuggets

  • Ranking: 12
  • Last Ranking: 13

Should be penalized for not taking the W that the Wolves kept trying to handle them. Oh, they’re gentlemen, you say?

Tier 6: As Mike Breen Says, “BANG! BANG!”

Milwaukee Bucks

  • Ranking: 13
  • Last Ranking: 14

Hopefully Giannis can come back before they get booted out by Playoff Jimmy Buckets.

Los Angeles Lakers

  • Ranking: 14
  • Last Ranking: 15

Welcome to the Rui Hachimura reclamation project.


Golden State Warriors

  • Ranking: 15
  • Last Ranking: 16

I almost had to dock them for Steph forcing me to relive the CWebb timeout incident.