advice to the prospective home buyer

if you’re buying a house, try not to be away for 66% of the weekends during escrow.

you’re thinking, ok, it’s just the weekend, right? what’s the big deal? well, suddenly you get pulled into inspections, and signing documents, and then something about installing automatic gas shutoff valves and then voodoo cleansing rituals suddenly are necessary.

then title and loan people want you to sign seventeen documents on a day that you’re planning to be driving a couch and a free washer up the coast. how can i buy a house if i don’t have crazy shit to put in it? (i was excited to get a front-load washer, for the efficiency and efficacy, but in the end, free trumps eco-sensible. thanks, n8! sorry, earth. maybe i can buy some carbon (water?)credits with my savings. or maybe i’ll blow it on strippers. who knows?)

apparently you’re supposed to make your bid, and then sit anxiously, at the ready, pen in one hand, and a big fistful of money in the other.

waiting… waiting… waiting…