i still hate that sports guy. mostly for his blatant pistons-hating. but i still end up reading his columns on espn.com, because 1. he writes about basketball in depth and 2. he’s pretty funny. with lines like:
or do you end up just being a jock for finding that funny? what if i don’t drink beer? does that help?
to think what could have been, according to the detroit news:
AUBURN HILLS— Kevin Garnett was reflecting last week on what might have happened if the current age restrictions had been in place when he was coming out of high school. He would have had to wait at least one year before applying for the draft.
“I was going to be a Wolverine,” Garnett told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. “Plus, I wanted to play with (Robert) Tractor Traylor. He was a friend of mine.”
How might the fortunes of Michigan have been altered by that?
Garnett was a huge fan of the Fab Five and said he had determined he would go to Michigan over North Carolina.
which means we would have had at least one good player that officially played for michigan in the last decade…
i’d like to say that there’s an interesting article in the nytimes today about chinese reality television and how they’re mostly weird adaptations of western reality shows, but that’s not really it. i just like the first sentence of the article:
while laid up in lost angels this weekend, we decided to go to a few exhibits.
the first one at equator books was a collection of large format photographs of various mexican wrestlers, all in full lucha libre masks and costumes. there was one with an ultraman mask, a couple of zombie twins, a creepy gynecologist(!), a mighty mouse, super pinocho 3000, and even an ultraman! sweet.
the next exhibit is actually a joint one between the hammer museum and the moca, on the masters of american comics.
they display classic works of the comic form, all the way back from winsor mccay’s little nemo in slumberland from the beginning of the 20th century all the way up to gary panter’s jimbo and chis ware’s jimmy corrigan. they split up the exhibit to show the more “classic” stuff at the hammer, which i almost found this a little more interesting because there’s incredible innovation and flat-out weirdness that i never even realized was in these older works. sure, i know that little nemo is a classic and the first comic masterpiece, but i had never really read much of it. but taking the time to examine it really showcases how incredible it was and how groundbreaking some of the panels were: characters stretching out like funhouse mirrors, mirroring each other into infinity, and other weird psychedelic-like happenings, all published in major newspapers.
furthermore, sure, i knew how great peanuts and krazy kat were, but even things like frank king’s gasoline alley were quite innovative for their time and surprisingly surreal even by today’s standards.
of course, moving to the newer stuff of the second half of the 20th century at the moca, you get the wonderful graphic brashness of jack kirby’s work, the poignancy of art spiegelman, the weird incredibly fucked-upness of gary panter, and the sad and lonely incredibly fucked-upness of chris ware, as well as many others.
it’s quite wonderful. see it if you can.
ooooh i really fucked up my right wrist today.
the short story (since i probably shouldn’t be typing anyway) is that while in transit down to my parents house today, i fumbled with my luggage on the stairs, lost control of my suitcase with my left hand, tried to catch it reaching across with my right hand, and twisted it HARD. hard like someone stuck a knife in your eye. if your eye was my right wrist, that is.
oh, for a lark, try getting around and flying southwest with a rolling suitcase but only using your off hand. it’s fun! and challenging!
it hurt like a motherfucker. i seriously couldn’t use it. i honestly thought i had broken it.
later, after spending three hours waiting in the orthepedic cabal in alhambra, they look at the x-rays and determine that i haven’t broken it, but had severely sprained it. then the “doctor” twists my wrists around a few times for good measure. you know how in pro wresting one of them gets the other into a wrist submission hold and he drops to his feet in pain? that was me. only i wasn’t faking. and i didn’t miraculously fight back, hulk hogan-style with the crowd cheering me on.
but basically, it should be ok. i didn’t tear any ligaments and shouldn’t need surgery or anything. i’m wearing a brace, and i still can’t really rotate my wrist at all without experiencing excruciating pain. although i’m supposed try and rotate it under the guise of “physical therapy”, “avoiding long term effects”, and “good for the long run.” i think these are code phrases for “malicious sadism.”
for the time being, i no longer can use my right hand for almost anything. i ate dinner with my left hand because while i could grip the fork and chopsticks, i couldn’t rotate them to bring the food to my mouth. i’m also walking with my hand perpendicular to my side, instead of palm facing hip like you’d normally do.
and have you ever tried to brush your teeth with your other hand? it’s not pretty.
| Modern, Cool Nerd 60 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 8% Dork |
| For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd. Nerds didn’t use to be cool, but in the 90’s that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn’t quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and “geek is chic.” The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations! Thanks Again! — THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test |
i don’t really need to go into why desperate housewives has gone from guiltily entertaining to annoying, so i’ll just summarize in table form:
| Season 1 | Season 2 | |
|---|---|---|
| Bree (Marcia Cross) | fascinatingly creepy | annoyingly creepy |
| Susan (Teri Hatcher) | annoying | super annoying |
| Lynette (Felicity Huffman) | annoying | employed and annoying |
| Gabrielle (Eva Longoria) | hot | hot but annoying |
| Edie (Nicolette Sheridan) | slutty | slutty and annoying |
| George (Roger Bart) | creepy | tiresome and annoying |
we went to see a living legend last night.
who? er, whom?
why, soul brother number one, mr. dynamite, the ninister of the new super-heavy funk, the hardest-working man in show business, the godfather of soul, mister james brown!
while hmc had seen him years ago, i realized recently that i’ve never seen him live. sure, he’s still working hard, but isn’t he like 500 years old? how much longer can her carry on? you got to go see him while he’s still alive and witness the spectacle! otherwise won’t you regret it later, that you didn’t see james brown when you had the chance? i’m still kicking myself for missing the 1945 mahatma gandhi “partition this!” tour. what am i going to tell my grandkids? sure, i could have seen james brown live, but instead i stayed home and watched a very special episode of “the biggest loser”. the one where they threw lard at each other. plus, he was playing at the historic paramount theatre in oakland. where better to see him?
so how was he? pretty dynamite. with lots of fanfare and build-up, he finally came out and immediately gave everyone what they were screaming for: hooting and hollerin’, the hot-damn dance steps, and as much soul that you can carry in a bucket.
it was a big-ass production, finely and professionally coordinated like a little big of vegas brought to your town. james looked good for being 500 years old, but i’m thinking that on some songs he’s got the backup singers doing the really strenuous parts whereas before he would have just sung those himself. and it’s pretty funny that since the actual backup singers don’t really provide much t&a, there are an additional two t&a dancers that come out and jiggle for your pleasure. clad first in american flag tights (living in america!) and then hotpants that said “JB” on the ass. (although, granted, they are not without skill: one does backflips, and the silicone-enhanced one does a little bit of spanish rapping).
possibly the biggest giveaway, however, was the fact that there was no encore. not just the obligatory one, but NONE AT ALL. good night oakland! don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!
hmc said that he did like 10 encores when she saw him back in the day. but now at least i can tell my grandkids that i saw james brown live.
(“live? what’s that? is that when you actually bought music on discuses?”)
from yesterday’s new york times:
it’s not that i don’t agree, but even i know that you probably don’t want to tell china they should be more like taiwan…
BUSAN, South Korea - Piquing China just days before meetings with its leaders, U.S. President George W. Bush on Wednesday held up the self-governing island of Taiwan that Beijing claims as its own as a model of freedom “at all levels” that the communist giant should emulate.
…
In remarks sure to irritate his Chinese hosts, Bush prodded the communist nation to grant basic freedoms to its 1.3 billion people and further open its economy.
“We encourage China to continue down the road of reform and openness,” Bush told an audience that stayed silent until its polite applause at the end. “By meeting the legitimate demands of its citizens for freedom and openness, China’s leaders can help their country grow into a modern, prosperous, and confident nation.”
His challenge to Beijing immediately followed lavish praise of Taiwan.
“By embracing freedom at all levels, Taiwan has delivered prosperity to its people and created a free and democratic Chinese society,” Bush said. Pointing to Taiwan — as well as South Korea — Bush said political freedoms are the inevitable product of the kind of economic liberalization China has begun pursuing.
“Men and women who are allowed to control their own wealth will eventually insist on controlling their own lives and their own future,” he said. “As China reforms its economy, its leaders are finding that once the door to freedom is opened even a crack, it cannot be closed.”
Comparing Taiwan and China, even indirectly, raises a major thorn in U.S.-China relations. China regards the island as its own and has threatened to invade if Taiwan declares formal independence. While U.S. policy recognizes only one China — including Taiwan — and opposes Taiwanese independence, Washington also is Taiwan’s largest arms benefactor and is bound by the Taiwan Relations Act to help Taiwan defend itself if attacked.
Taiwan, which has de facto independence, has resisted Beijing’s rule since the Communists took over the mainland in 1949.
seen during the fox broadcast of the bears-49’ers game, after the wind gusts in soldier field caused a particularly bad field goal miss.
sigh.
i’d hate to be caught in a severe gail. (insert lewd joke here. e.g. that’ll cost you extra in vegas!)
clearly, i’m not shopping at the right stores:
sure, it sounds exciting and modern and metropolitan to be married and live in different cities than your wife, and usually, it’s not too bad.
but sometimes it really sucks.
when everything’s fine, it’s not that bad. hell, as you know, i’ve done it for up to two years at one stretch.
however, yesterday i got “the call”. the one where someone at her work calls you and tells you that she’s in the hospital.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
don’t worry, everything’s fine, she’s fine now, nothing’s wrong. she didn’t even end up staying there, but instead checked back out to her doctor and everything’s good.
but instead of being able to drop everything and be right there, i drop everything and then have to try to hop a plane and get down there. even for an hour of flying time, it takes me four hours to get there. to see her. to make sure that she’s ok.
once or twice someone’s asked me how living like this is, wondering if they should do it.
i tell them that it’s a stupid way to live. because of times like this.
just when you thought the cheerleader lifestyle wasn’t glamourous enough:
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested at a bar where witnesses told police the women were having sex in a restroom stall, angering patrons waiting in line.
Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday. Witnesses said the women were having sex with each other in a stall at the club in the Channelside district.
They were kicked off the team Monday for violating a signed code that bans conduct embarrassing to the team or organization, Panthers spokesman Charlie Dayton said.
Thomas was charged with battery for allegedly striking a bar patron when she was leaving the restroom, then landed in even more trouble after police said she gave officers a driver’s license belonging to another Panthers cheerleader who was not in Tampa.
Thomas, who made the trip to Florida for Sunday’s game between the Panthers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was released from jail on $500 bail before police learned she was not the person she claimed to be.
Detectives were trying to determine how Thomas got the driver’s license of a third cheerleader.
looking at the carolina panthers cheerleader roster page, mysteriously there are no longer links to any cheerleaders named renee or angela. however, if you look at the team photo you do notice that two of the cheerleaders no longer have clickable bios:
but i’m sure that’s just a coincidence.
however, isn’t there a bigger issue that we’re all missing here? sure, it’s funny when cheerleaders get in trouble, and this type of activity is the fertile bed of fraternity wet dreams, but honestly, what kind of world do we live in where this is cause for arrest? are we living in some sort of puritan totalitarian state?
if cheerleaders can’t have sex in a public bathroom stall, then doesn’t this mean that the terrorists have won?
regrets from this weekend? only one. sure, i should have sent that steak back since it was actually screaming a little when i cut into it. and i certainly didn’t need that superfluous stoli martini.
but the only regret was passing on that dance from that hot goth chick stripper because i couldn’t stand the lynyrd skynyrd song that was playing at the time.
DAMN YOU CLASSIC ROCK! once again you have ruined my life!
items left in our three-person hotel room this weekend:
first off, who even wears orange and green boxers? i can see why you’d discard them, and even fly across the country to do it, but how/why/where did you get them in the first place? clown gap?
and as for the cigars, even though i don’t smoke at all, i couldn’t let them go to waste and be thrown out. i grabbed them and have been giving them to homeless guys when they bug me for spare change.
is this wrong? i feel like this might be wrong, but… i mean, i’m giving them something they want, although it’s a big fat death stick, but a very nice death stick, right?
right?
as noodles said to me when i saw him for the first time in over ten years, “you look exactly the same.”
to be honest, that’s pretty much true for everyone. everyone looked almost exactly the same as they did in high school. sure, we’re older, some of us are a little greyer or thinner on top. but no one ballooned out like a zeppelin or shrunk down like jared. not that anyone was pre-subway sized to begin with. but, yeah, everyone looked good, and acted pretty much the same as they did back then. thankfully, less dorky.
i was honestly a little worried about how i was going to relate to everyone after having disappeared for over ten years. i mean, high school? who still has friends from high school? who even remembers high school? i do remember the seniors one year putting a nipple on top of one of the domes on the building, but that’s about it. and i remember the smells in the darkroom, but not much else. which might explain things. mmmmmm darkroom chemicals…
everyone was just as funny and hilarious as they were back then, and it was great to be able to settle in and hang out with everyone, to joke and laugh like we used to when we were young. except without the poofy 80’s clothes. and the cuffed jeans.
there was a lot of drinking and smoking and gambling. not by me, mind, you, since i’m an ascetic monk. i did a lot of praying and was in the hotel chapel, trying to confess, although these annoyed couples kept coming in. (side note: at 4:30 in the morning, pretty much the only things open in the casino are some assorted gambling tables, and the jewelry store. honest injun. because you need that store open to follow through with that drunken marriage proposal, right?) we saw a couple of good shows, including the forty deuce burlesque show which was pretty fantastic, and the old school vegas showgirl show, jubilee, which was lavish and funny and amazingly enough, had the highest breasts per minute ratio of anything i’ve seen in vegas. it was a literal breastopia.
it was really a great time and a lot of fun. and it really was good to see everyone and how they’ve all turned out.
after all that, i wonder why did i end up cutting all ties with everyone in high school for so long? not that it was intentional, but after it sort of happened, i certainly didn’t put any effort into trying to reestablish contact with anyone. maybe it’s just that everyone is so far away. if they came closer to me, it certainly would be much easier. besides, it’s much nicer to visit here. honest.
so the reassuring/distressing thing is: you’re basically the person you are in high school. that’s it. you’re done. i hope you like yourself, becuase out of a sample of nine, nine people were pretty much exactly the same. if anything, age just lets you be more comfortable and accepting of who and what you are.
otherwise, you need to move far away and cut off all ties with your past.
oh, wait…
so i happen to find my self accidentally at a strip club last night. and since WHIVSIV like the ad campaign says, i mean to imply that i was accidentally there completely alone and not with anyone else on the trip. really. honest.
and as not to be rude as to the people working there, when some girl comes up to me and asks if i want a dance, i reply, “sure, why not.”
yeah, rico suave.
let’s be honest. i’ve actually had a lap dance once or twice before. sure. and some of them have been great, and some of them have been pretty crappy.
but nothing like this.
she’s got all the right criteria. tall, thin, nice rack. female. check, check, and check.
of course the first thing she does is to remove her top, revealing two smiling breasts.
picture that in your mind: two smiling breasts. breasts are happy. breasts are fulfilling. breasts bring joy to the world. breasts are some of the greatest things ever.
only that’s not what i meant.
because i suddenly realize that her breasts weren’t smiling. instead, she’s got two SEMICIRCULAR BANDAGES UNDERNEATH HER NIPPLES. if i need to spell it out for you, you’re supposed to wait something like four weeks after getting implants. UNLESS YOU DON’T and instead GO RIGHT BACK TO WORK.
instead of being aroused and wanting the breasts closer, you are trying not to make eye contact and wanting the breasts AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.
i can’t even tell you how incredibly wrong this is.
“oh honey, just turn around. no, no, just keep turned around. i’m an ass man. like sir mix-a-lot.”
mere months after he retired, the pacers are going to retire reggie miller’s jersey:
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — The Indiana Pacers will retire Reggie Miller’s No. 31 in March.
Miller played his entire NBA career with Indiana and retired after last season as the Pacers’ leader in points, assists and steals. He also was a five-time All-Star and set NBA records for 3-point goals made and attempted.
“This is a truly deserving honor for Reggie,” Pacers CEO Donnie Walsh said Thursday. “On and off the court, what he gave to this franchise, this city and this state for 18 years puts him among the elite athletes to have played professional sports. Number 31 in the rafters adds another legacy to the great tradition of Indiana basketball.”
more kudos for my favorite player, and pretty good for a skinny jump shooter from lost angels!
so i’m off to las vegas for a few days.
what for?
i have no idea.
i’ve been invited to take part in the yearly flaming gorilla reunion. what? is that like big bear weekend in the castro but more flamboyant? lord, i hope not. no, it’s guys from my high school theatre group who get together every year in vegas and carouse. or wassail. or roister. raise cain?
how did i get here? this is what i get for blogging about javi writing on lost.
this will probably be fun, and at the very least be very interesting. i haven’t talked to anyone from high school since, uh, high school. hell, i’m down to one friend from back in college, since dpm+avn vanished into albany with blu. that’s sort of like “into the blue,” but with more burping.
if i return, i’ll let you know what goes on at these things. unless i’m sworn to secrecy.
at least there are strippers in vegas. strippers, not “coffee.” yeah, that’s right. i said it.
Designer creates wall of breasts
Wendy Rameckers works at the Piet Zwart Institute for Retail and Design in Rotterdam, reports Het Nieuwsblad.
“Most men have a selective memory,” she explained. “They know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife’s bra size.
“When trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say a ‘handful’.”
The wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes. By look and touch, male shoppers can work out the right size, she says.
i walked all around my neighborhood looking for my polling place just now.
it’s not the first time that they’ve moved it, but after looking at the three places i’ve been to before, i give up.
i’m vanquished. the democratic process is dead. iraqis have the right to vote, but i don’t anymore. arnold has staged some mystery coup, and all the power is no longer in the people, but in his hands.
and then i figure out that election day isn’t today. IT’S NEXT WEEK.
this is what i get for blindly believing someone at work who himself was sure that today was election day and kept reminding us to vote.
trust no one!
(i’m sure there’s a moral in here somewhere about making your own election guide, but that’s too much work. i mean, really.)
