the sort of thing that could, uh, scar you for life

so i happen to find my self accidentally at a strip club last night. and since WHIVSIV like the ad campaign says, i mean to imply that i was accidentally there completely alone and not with anyone else on the trip. really. honest.

and as not to be rude as to the people working there, when some girl comes up to me and asks if i want a dance, i reply, “sure, why not.”

yeah, rico suave.

let’s be honest. i’ve actually had a lap dance once or twice before. sure. and some of them have been great, and some of them have been pretty crappy.

but nothing like this.

she’s got all the right criteria. tall, thin, nice rack. female. check, check, and check.

of course the first thing she does is to remove her top, revealing two smiling breasts.

picture that in your mind: two smiling breasts. breasts are happy. breasts are fulfilling. breasts bring joy to the world. breasts are some of the greatest things ever.

only that’s not what i meant.

because i suddenly realize that her breasts weren’t smiling. instead, she’s got two SEMICIRCULAR BANDAGES UNDERNEATH HER NIPPLES. if i need to spell it out for you, you’re supposed to wait something like four weeks after getting implants. UNLESS YOU DON’T and instead GO RIGHT BACK TO WORK.

instead of being aroused and wanting the breasts closer, you are trying not to make eye contact and wanting the breasts AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.

i can’t even tell you how incredibly wrong this is.

“oh honey, just turn around. no, no, just keep turned around. i’m an ass man. like sir mix-a-lot.”

Posted at November 4, 2005 11:15 AM