tennis hooky

i went down to san jose to play hooky today.

now i’m sure you’re thinking, “why go all the way down to san jose just to play hooky? if you have to drive for an hour just to play hooky, is it really worth it?” well, if you work at home, your home is your office. and by definition, you got to skip out of the office to play hooky. going into the other room to watch full metal alchemist or to take a nap just doesn’t really cut it. that’s just like any other day working at home, right?

besides, i had a good reason. i had free tickets to the SAP open in san jose, which is the only pro tennis tournament they hold in the bay area. (hmm, is this actually true? i think so. it’s certainly the only ATP event held up here, although truth be told, i’d rather see a WTA event. as everyone knows, i like the ladies.)

our company bought the tickets so us sales folks could invite customers out and treat them and ply them with cheap drinks and passable imitation of fast food, hopefully resulting in future sales and big big commission checks yee-haw! because that’s how sales works, in part. if you’re not getting this sort of treatment from your sales guys, you either need better sales guys, or you’re probably not going to get it ever, because they probably think you ain’t worth shit. sorry. try working for a big company with a huge spending budget. maybe then you’ll get the invites to nekkid playmate golf!

truth be told, as it turns out, people at oracle aren’t that interested in attending the SAP open. something about “damn competitors.” or maybe it’s the fact that it’s a tuesday afternoon. that’s probably the reason that nobody else could get a customer to go on this day, either, right?

but that makes it perfect for hooky!

first off, the seats are fantastic. front row. literally. i’m not kidding. when was the last time you were front row for anything? and for a sporting event? unheard of! punk rock kickball not withstanding. we were in the corner of the court, literally ten feet from the players.

there are only a few top name players at this event, like andy roddick or andre agassi. i didn’t get to see either of them, but did get to see a couple of recognizable names, like vince spadea and james blake. vince spadea ended 2004 with a career high ranking of 19. however, my friend pete pointed out that what he’s really known for is his record losing streak: he lost 21 matches in a row, back in 1999-2000. that’s at least 20 tournaments where you go there, show up, and doink! you’re out in the first round. next!

it also turns out that vince spadea is a jerk.

being that close, you can see little thing that goes on, including the interactions between the players and the ball boys. sure it looks fun on tv, and who hasn’t thought, “hey, i could chase those balls around! that would be a blast.” of course there’s that episode of seinfeld where kramer does exactly that.

let me tell you, being a ball boy sucks ass. big fat rude tennis player ass. not only do you have to chase around balls, which is actually not that big a deal, but you need to toss balls to the players as they get ready to serve. the only thing is, sometimes they want two, sometimes they want three, sometimes the guy who wants two now wants three. and meanwhile, there’s the balls that the running around ball boys grabbed from the last point that are flying in towards you that you’re trying to catch while tossing a ball to the guy who wants two or was it three?

and then there’s spadea, who’s all pissy because he dropped the first game and the first set, so he’s yelling “BALL!” because you’re not tossing them to him fast enough or in the exact right place.

imagine a reality show where your job is to comb donald trump’s hair every morning. and it’s windy. and all you have is a mitten.

on the other hand, james blake was really nice. he would say, “thanks” to the ball boys when they tossed him the balls, and he wouldn’t even swear, but would exclaim, “gosh!” or “gosh darn it!” seriously. i don’t want to be stereotypical, but unless he’s some crazy christian, then, uh, gosh darn it, i don’t know what his deal is.

maybe he needs more balls?

in any case, the tennis was great. it’s a trip to see it really close, just to get a sense of how incredibly far beyond any level you could possibly reach. and they’re not even the ones at the top of the tour.

as david foster wallace writes in his excellent and highly recommended (even if you’re not a tennis or sports fan) essay on tennis from a supposedly fun thing i’ll never do again:

amen to that. it’s a shame that i don’t get the tickets for this weekend, when the semis and the finals are being played. that’s when the real customers are showing up.

but who needs to play hooky on saturday, anyway?