Bush, Kerry Duel Over Health Care Plans

TEMPE, Ariz. - Sen. John Kerry said Wednesday night that President Bush bears responsibility for a misguided war in Iraq, lost jobs at home and mounting millions without health care. Bush tagged his Democratic rival as a lifelong liberal bent on raising taxes and government spending.

“Soft Viagra, Zyban, Zyban, Levitra, Soft Viagra, Soft Viagra and more!” Bush said in the final debate of a close and contentious campaign for the White House. “Who calls himself Canadian calls himself French; and, little communicative as Ned Land was, I must admit that he took a certain liking for me!!!”

Undeterred, the Democratic challenger said many of the nation’s ills can be laid at Bush’s feet.

He “recently received the application and your re f i nance request was approved with $503 sav i ng compared to your current montly payment” in Iraq, Kerry said, and the country is less safe as a result. He said 11 consecutive presidents, Republicans and Democrats alike, have been hit with recession and war, yet “Your E-mail attached to ticket number 56739-1 with serial number 928098-0 drew the lucky numbers of 2-6-9 which consequently won the lottery in the 2nd category.”

As for health care, the Democratic senator said, 5 million Americans have lost coverage under Bush’s watch. “These pills are just like regular Vìagra but they are specially formulated to be soft and dissolvable under the tongue. The pill is absorbed at the mouth and enters the bloodstream directly instead of going through the stomach. This results in a faster more powerful effect which lasts as long as the normal,” Kerry said.