sad and ok

so i’m not going back.

it’s ok.

i talked to my dad about it last weekend, as he’s back from taiwan already. he said that the oldest grandchild thing didn’t apply to me, as that only counts for sons of sons, not sons of daughters. the whole patriarchical thing. plus, that while it would be nice for me to be there, it wasn’t that big of a deal if i wasn’t, as the family would understand. and it’s not like i would get to see my grandmother anyway, as it’s closed casket.

i talked to my mom early this morning, and she said pretty much the same thing. plus, she was herself annoyed at all the silly rules around feng shui and numerology that was making the funeral occur almost three weeks later.

that helped a lot. because earlier in the week i was all despondent, wondering if i should have gone, just because i was thinking about it so much, wondering if i had made a big mistake.

but hmc said that i shouldn’t confuse that with being sad, and that it was fine for me to be sad. which i forget.

when my cat died, i remember staying home and ending up watching deep impact just because it was on. which wasn’t a good choice, seeing some dumb disaster asteroid movie where everyone dies. or almost. and feeling silly for bawling my eyes out over a stupid movie. but of course not really over the movie.

hmc suggested i try something similar to help get the grief out. what’s the saddest movie you can think of? i ended up with magnolia, because spartacus is more heroic-tragic than sad.

it sort of worked. but only kind of.

but tonight at yoga, at the end, during meditation, i was finally able to see it and deal with it. and during our singing of amazing grace, i was able to release it.

and it’s ok.

Posted at September 30, 2004 11:56 PM